Samples from TV Specials, Anniversaries, Monologues
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS roast at the ELTON JOHN – DAVID FURNISH Anniversary Event
“I was asked by David to roast Elton. But I think on a person’s anniversary it would be hurtful to talk about someone’s age or weight or dead career. So instead, first I’ll talk about your weight, then dead career, then age.
They’ve been together for 25 years! I don’t want to say that the romance is gone but before going to bed, they shake hands.
It’s time to retire. Back in the day, you could hit a high C and activate 3 women’s periods. Elton, when you sang it was the only time you ever made a woman happy.
This is the kind of man who when his baby cried, Elton harmonized with him, told him he was flat, and said, “We’ll let you know.”
You’re older, you’re fatter, and what are you wearing? You’re dressed like door number two on the Price is Right. Not the prize, the actual door.
Recently Elton went on Jenny Craig and cracked 3 of her ribs.
You know you’re a bad gay when you gag on your toothbrush.
Usher is here. What would an evening be without Usher? I don’t know … probably all white?
BTW, Robbie Williams, I’ve never met you before but I want you to know, I’m carrying mace.”
CHAMPIONS OF MAGIC: Host Intros
When I met Dan Sperry, I didn’t know if he was a magician or a roadie for Motley Crue. FUN FACT: Dan used to do kid’s parties. The kids got a gift bag and 3 sessions with a trauma therapist. He calls himself a Shock Illusionist. The most shocking thing was once seeing Dan with a tan and bangs.
I’m only friends with Losander to help me move furniture when I clean the rugs. He needs to create a floating fridge when I’m on the couch and need a snack.
Greg Gleason said his goal is to inspire kids to chase their dreams in magic, which is why he has 5 lawsuits from parents whose kids could’ve been doctors.
I knew the Orlando Magician when he was the Orlando parking attendant.
REAL TIME with BILL MAHER
NEW RULE, Stop holding onto my headrest to get your fat ass out of your seat. I’m trying to sleep and every time you get up to pee, you slingshot me into the cockpit, which I only did once in college.
ELLEN DeGENERES
Who came up with tossing horseshoes? I guess it’s a lot easier than tossing an entire horse.
You may have heard that a woman named Titi Pierce filed a lawsuit after I mispronounced her name to make a breast joke. I would like to publicly apologize to Titi and for full disclosure, I am also being sued by Richard Enball.
I never had children. I couldn’t take the risk of them not being funny and I’m not spending 18 years fake-laughing in my own house.
Josh Rush – Disney’s ANDI MACK
I was told you have to be twenty-four to volunteer as a mentor. What am I supposed to do for the next nine years? In two years Disney is gonna give me a gold watch!
I love coffee. As a toddler, I had an Almond Milk -Venti baby bottle.
My worst subject is history. Will I use anything they teach about? I’ve never won Candy Crush by knowing about the Louisiana Purchase.
ONE-OFFs
Today Vince Vaughn, Lady Gaga & Taylor Kinney took the Polar Plunge. Lake Michigan is now on Valtrex.
I think it’s disgraceful that after 50 years, people don’t know who Neil Armstrong is OR the type of trumpet he played.
Donkey sex. Nay means nay.
In Philly, I’m a six. In New York, I’m a four. In LA I am deceased.
Next time you’re feeling passive-aggressive, Venmo your part of the bill with the memo subject, “Social Obligation”.
The DJ kept yelling, ‘Make some noise!’ So I boo’d.
Every time I get gas, I buy a lottery ticket. I really don’t know what farting has to do with it.
I never learn my AirBnB renter’s names. I just call them whatever I’m putting their money towards and Microwave leaves Thursday.
Laughter is the best medicine? Well it didn’t help my chlamydia.
Four out of five dentists surveyed said, “I should’ve been a podiatrist”.
HIM: Did u keep anything of your mothers’ after she died? HER: Yes. Her plastic surgeon.
HER: Does he want me back? HIM: He doesn’t want you front.
GUY 1: What’s in the staten island water? GUY 2: Run-off cologne.